Sneak Peaks

THE BLUE WALL OF SILENCE 

Chapter Fifteen

I jumped into his Jeep, buckled my seat belt, and we drove down the road about five blocks to Maple Park Office Plaza’s parking lot. On the way there he was quiet and I felt confident with my decision for the first time in our relationship. I was firm and insisted that I wanted to end the relationship. I proceeded to tell him that this relationship was unhealthy, and that I had to focus on my kids and nursing school. He listened while I spoke. He parked his Jeep near the back of the building under some trees where no one would notice us. “Why are we parking here?” I asked, but he didn’t answer. 

Dave’s demeanor quickly switched from quiet and understanding, to stone cold, Jekyll Hyde like. In a slow, calm, sure tone he commanded “If you end this relationship, I will kill us both.” Before I could respond he took a gun out from under his seat and put it to my head, catching me off guard. His voice was unstable and cracking while he held firm to the gun to the temple of my head. With a trembling voice and tears in his eyes he pleaded with me saying “I love you, I need you, why are you doing this to us? We’re good together baby; we’ve just had some problems. We can work on them.” My disposition changed from confident, firm and assertive to disturbed, shocked and in fear. 

He put the gun in his lap still holding firm to it and continued to blame me and Brian for losing everything he worked for. He affirmed “Brian should have never called my wife Kim. I wouldn’t be in this situation if it weren’t for him!” he screamed. Dave was the one who initiated all of his previous divorces. Conversely this time around, Kim initiated the divorce and was “winning” everything including the house, custody, and part of his pension. Dave wasn’t used to not having control and he was unable to make his wife look “crazy.” This worked for him in the past, but this time things weren’t going his way. 

He began to lose control of his emotions. His Son Davey was crying and Dave shouted at his two year old son “Shut the fuck up you asshole!” Dave punched at the sunroof in his Jeep. I was startled at his behavior. I tried to console his son Davey. I have never heard a parent call a small child an asshole in my life!
“Shhh Shhh…it’s okay honey. Here do you want your binky?” I consoled Davey. This made Dave angrier.
“Leave him alone! Don’t baby him!” he roared as he raised his hand at me and I ducked. 

I apologized, shaking I said “I’m sorry. I was just trying to….” He interrupted me and yelled “Shut up! I can’t think!” He was clearly agitated, angry and had a motive for this ride. He regained the power and control that he had temporarily lost. I was very worried that my children wouldn’t have a mother, they were so young. I knew it was over. I wanted to run for my life, but he had a gun. Would he pull the trigger if I ran? Do I take the chance? Or do I try to reason with him? I couldn’t think.

Dave bargained “Don’t make me do this baby……if you leave me, I will do it, I have nothing left to live for.” Then he lifted the gun to his head announcing in a cracked trembling voice “I can’t live without you, I need you, you make me whole baby, you’re all I have left,” He sobbed and continued “Please don’t leave me.” I was dealing with a very unstable man to say the least. This seemed all too familiar. A month ago I was going through a similar situation with my ex-husband in the police department parking lot.
Was this some kind of joke? He was repeating all of my ex-husbands behaviors; harassing phone calls, and suicide threats. Why would he do this? Little did I know then, it was a tactic to make me look crazy if I tried to report it. I would be questioned “Why would two men do the very same thing?” But at the time I didn’t realize what his intentions or motivation was; or maybe those were traits of domestic abusers, and I wouldn’t know that yet.

My voice had the tone of panic as he cocked back the 38 revolver. I pleaded with him “No, don’t! Dave please, put the gun down; think of your kids, they need you; for God sakes you’re scaring your baby!”
Davey continued crying hysterically. He yelled “Shut up! Just shut up!” And put the gun to my head and questioned “Why are you doing this to us? Baby I love you, please don’t make me do this, don’t do this to me.” I was thinking hmm…do this to him? But I couldn’t make any remarks that would cause him to pull that trigger. His voice changed with each emotion. He would beg me to stay, and then threaten my life, profess his love to me, and then threaten his life and then yelled at his baby, and repeated it all over again, leaving me confused and frozen.

His son Davey was crying uncontrollably, mostly because of Dave’s screaming. It scared him. Even though things were volatile I declared “This is just not the right time for us. We both need some time to recover from our divorces.”

He proclaimed, sniveling “No, no, no baby, that can’t happen, you see, I need you. I love you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. You can’t leave me now, please.” I looked at him like he was crazy. I was literally speechless. 

Unexpectedly he forcefully opened his car door, got out of his car, he took his gun with him, and ran around the back of the Maple Park Office Plaza parking lot and hollered, no words in particular, just an AWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was hoping someone would notice, and call the police. I was somewhat relieved because I thought that the loud outburst would initiate a call to the police. In addition I hoped that someone would see the gun in his hand, but that wouldn’t happen. Where’s a cop when you need one? We were too hidden from the buildings and trees. He made sure that he parked out of site. I have to admit when he parked in the isolated spot, that it was weird, but then again, I thought he just wanted privacy to talk. 

I thought this was the perfect time to get the hell out of there. Dave was far enough away that I felt I could get Davey and run. As I began to unbuckle Davey from his car seat Dave was coming back to the Jeep. I began to take him out of the car seat and he opened the car door screaming with adrenaline pumping and pressured speech “If I don’t show up at work tonight, tell the chief I am behind the plaza.” He was so upset that I don’t think he realized that I was taking Davey out of his car seat. My adrenals were on overload! I had to take hold of this situation; Somehow, someway. 

I shouted “Dave, stop it! Get a hold of yourself! Do not talk like that; calm down! Things are going to be ok; it might not feel like it right now, but things will work out.” He let out a long sigh and leaned his head against the back of the head rest for a moment with the gun resting on his thigh. It was quiet for a moment, and for that moment I thought he was going to stop this madness, but somehow I didn’t think he was satisfied with the outcome of this “meeting” regarding our relationship. 

He refused to accept rejection, and the fact our relationship was over. He quickly regained the dominate position and put the gun to my head again. He pleaded again “Please baby, I love you, let’s get married, let’s set a wedding date; will you marry me? I love you, please don’t leave me, I am so sorry. Kathleen doesn’t mean anything to me. Let’s set a date now. How about December 30th this year?" 

Was this really happening? This man clearly did not get that it was over. He was delusional. He actually thinks that after this escapade I would marry him? My emotions and fear were on overload, but I had to keep him calm at the same time. I asked “Why that particular date?”

He explained “It’s a good day, a new beginning, a beginning of a New Year, and new relationship. It’s the end of the old, a bad year and our past relationships. It will be a fresh start for us.” 

I entered into his fantasy and responded with “That sounds like a good reason. I like that date. A Christmas, New Year’s wedding. Sounds like a nice time to do it.” Why was I doing this? I didn’t want to be with him. I just needed to get out of that car. 

He smiled, laughed, cried, and reached over to hug me, with the gun still in his hand, and he uttered “Ok, ok, yes, it’s a date. December 30th. Are we ok now? Tell me you love me, you aren’t leaving? ” 

I choked on every word that came out of my mouth “I love you, and I am not leaving.” I had to say it. If that’s what he needed to hear then that’s what I would say in order to get the hell out of there. He reached over and put the gun in his glove box. I know the look on my face did not match what I was saying, but it pacified him for the moment. It seemed to work. He then started his engine. His voice returned to normal, and he began to drive me home as if nothing had just happened. He was either crazy or a really good actor! Or he knew exactly what he was doing, as most abusers do. 

I returned home and did not know how to handle the situation I had just encountered. There were so many thoughts going through my head. Do I call the police? He was so unstable he might kill me. He did hold a gun to my head. He threatened his own life. Would he kill me if he lost his job? Or was it a mind game? He was fired two times from two police departments. He was back on the job less than five months, and married four times. 

If I ignore him would he just go away, yeah that’s what I’ll do, try to ignore him. No, that wouldn’t work because he was always in my driveway if I ignored him. What should I do? He could have ended my life today, His son’s life, he didn’t seem to care. Maybe he didn’t have bullets in it. Maybe it was just to scare me. He was shaking when he was yelling at me. How would I know how he would react if I did report it? Look how he reacted when I tried to end a relationship. He hadn’t known me that long. How could they keep a cop like this on the force? If I reported it, I would be helping take a crazy cop off of the streets. I wonder how many other women he did this to. 

I wasn’t going to take the chance. I have children to think about. I am not going to report it. If I report it he could get fired, then my life would be in danger. How would the police stop him from actually pulling the trigger? Personal Protection Orders (PPO’s) were only a piece of paper, that wouldn’t stop a bullet. Should I tell someone? Like my parents? No, they would call the police. They didn’t see him do this, they didn’t see his reaction. They didn’t see his emotions and mood change while he played with his gun like it was a toy. I have four children to think about, they’re just babies still, all under eleven years old. They needed me. I don’t know what to do. I think the fear paralyzed me. I did nothing. 

Later I would learn about traumatic bonding in domestic violence relationships. Traumatic bonding was first recognized in Stockholm, Sweden, also known as Stockholm syndrome. Traumatic bonding is when there is a power imbalance within the relationship between the batterer and the victim. The victim will do whatever it takes to please the batterer. This is in the victim’s best interest in order to survive. Survival may mean physical safety, monetary support, to feed or shelter the victim and their children. Survival means something different for every victim. For me, I needed safety. It was being protected from my ex-husband. Who better to protect you than a police officer? In the end the survival for me was not having a trigger pulled on a gun by my boyfriend, a police officer and to survive that moment so that I could return home to my children. I said what I had to, to survive.

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